Ancient Allen is like five hundred thousand years old. Or eighty-five. Hard to tell. Either way, he either looks his age or he doesn’t which is to say he looks like he’s old but maybe not impossibly old.
According to Ancient Allen enthusiasts, er, theorists, er, something, Ancient Allen is literally responsible for everything. Everything. Like, ancient and modern humans never lifted a finger to do a single thing, which, when you think of it, is totally believable. Just look at politicians as a prime example.
Fire? You think some random Neanderthal rubbed two sticks together on his own? Or her own? Let’s not make assumptions. That Neanderthal might have identified as a wolf that happened to like rolling in clover fields. We don’t really know, so don’t go assuming.
Oh, what? You think man, or woman, or otherwise, some random homo sapiens invented fire? What if said individual or group or individual that identified as a group identified as a Neanderthal? The thing is history is unknowable. Mostly. Probably. Who knows?
Regardless, it was Ancient Allen that gave fire to mankind or humankind or homo sapiens or whatever. So, you can stop thinking that people have any ingenuity at all. They don’t. Everything was Ancient Allen.
You think people built the pyramids? Nope. It was Ancient Allen.
But, wait. Weren’t the pyramids built using slave labor?
Of course! And they were under the direction of Ancient Allen.
But, wait. Weren’t the pyramids built using magic technology that floated the blocks in place?
Of course! And it was Ancient Allen behind it all.
But, wait. If the pyramids were built using magic technology, why did they need slaves?
Look, you. Don’t be overthinking this. Both are true! Or one. Or the other. But, regardless, Ancient Allen was behind it all. Ancient Allen is behind everything. Everything! Ancient Allen enthusiasts, er, theorists, er, whatever never say no to anything! Except maybe to barbers.
But, wait. What about the telephone? People invented that, right? Well, sure, but Ancient Allen reached out to Alexander Graham Bell in his dreams and taught him how to make it.
People never think of anything! We’re just big, dumb animals floundering our way through our meaningless lives until Ancient Allen gives us a direction. Then, we do stuff. But, only because of Ancient Allen. Otherwise, we just lounge around belching and picking our noses and whatnot.
If not for Ancient Allen, we’d still be swimming with the fishes because we’d still be fishes! Why do you think we assure broken-hearted singles that there are plenty of fish in the sea? It’s because, deep down, we know we should still be fishes! But, Ancient Allen did his thing and manipulated our genes—and possibly our denim jeans which, of course, Ancient Allen is responsible for inventing because, well, you know—and turned us from fishes into like frogs and then kangaroos and then monkeys and then us, not necessarily in that order. We’re not scientists. I mean, some of us think we are, but we’re not. We don’t develop new scientific theories or invent things. We’re just big, dumb, smelly animals that should still be fishes because then we wouldn’t smell so bad as we’d be in the water all the time.
No, Ancient Allen is responsible for all our science-y stuff. All of it! Everything!
So, stop thinking whatever you’re thinking because you’re probably not thinking it at all. You may not even exist. You’re just a simulated post-piscine person in a simulation simulating whatever the heck this is.
And, who is behind it all?
You guessed it. Ancient Allen.
Actually, you didn’t guess that at all. You can’t think, you big, dumb, smelly, post-piscine whatever-you-are-is. No. Ancient Allen made you think that. Or, rather, he made you believe you thought that.
You think this is all nuts? Well, don’t blame me. I didn’t write it.
It was all Ancient Allen because Ancient Allen is behind everything.
Everything.
He’s probably behind you right now. Just saying. Maybe you might want to sleep with one eye open.
